should I make rules for my house guests?

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I’ve always thought Benjamin Franklin’s adage, that a guest and a fish start to smell after three days, a little generous — definitely to fish but also to house guests. Kinder still, when you consider personal hygiene standards in his day were not what they are now. (Although recent visits to a number of student flats suggest that may be unfair to the 1700s.)

But quibbling aside, this has always seemed to me a pretty good rule for judging when you might outstay your welcome. No matter how happy your host is to see you — and I start to feel like a caged animal when people take too long leaving after lunch — even the most welcome guest becomes tiresome eventually, if only because they interrupt your routine or stop you walking around in your underpants. (Mind you, in winter, wood floors and poor cavity wall insulation tend to have the same effect.)

The thought has been on my mind as I’ve just returned from a holiday in the US that included a short stay with friends. And as we head into the Christmas season, many of us are about to trample on the goodwill of friends and relatives by offering them the extended pleasure of our company. The horror of masses of relatives descending on your home for days and brimming with bumptious good cheer is enough to turn anyone to atheism. So what are the rules for hosts and guests that keep the piscatorial odours at a low level for the duration of said stay?

First, mi casa is not su casa. It is still mi bloody casa. This is rule one. I’ve always disliked the faux bonhomie and fake nonchalance of this phrase, but it is especially dangerous in the context of house guests, who might make the mistake of taking you literally. We all have our quirks, and it is better if everyone understands them. If there are things that are going to wind you up, it is far better to say so than simmer silently. Even worse, is the passive-aggressive rectification of the offence in front of the guest. Pass ag is generally a poor approach. Say what you like about my own aggression, it’s never passive.

Our US hosts were very hospitable, but they also set out the rules that mattered to them. This is much better. We’ve been friends long enough to be direct with each other and none of their demands was unreasonable. But even if they had been, that’s the price of admission. Never forget there’s always a brilliant place where you can behave as you wish. It’s called somewhere else.

Be tidy. Unless you are vacationing in a Seth Rogen movie, this is essential. It may never be enough for the most obsessively fastidious but no host ever complained that a guest was too clean.

Try to be a low-maintenance guest. You do actually want your hosts to think they enjoyed your visit. Offer to help with meals or to run errands. And don’t roll your eyes when told you can’t smoke in the house. Do not blindside your hosts with surprises. There may be a reason why they haven’t festooned their place with Christmas lights.

Be clear on the purpose of your visit. Are you staying to see your friends or are you using them for free accommodation? The latter is OK as long as there is no pretence, but understand that tolerance levels are lower for the freeloader. We all did this when we were young, but I remember a run of visits from cousins overseas, all of whom complained about the weather and other aspects of the country. If that’s you, then maybe visit your relatives in Florida instead. If all you really want is a bed and a key then at least have the decency to be unobtrusive. Don’t sing loudly in the shower or sit in the lounge hogging the PlayStation.

If your guests are really coming to see you, both sides need to be clear about expectations. A host should specify when they might need to work or want to turn in for the night. Guests need to know when to go out and give their hosts a break. Don’t chug down their expensive whisky just because they poured you a glass of it (they bought the Red Label for guzzlers) or get loudly drunk once hosts have turned in. Hosts planning an outing for their guests should check they actually want to do it. It’s bad enough sitting through a play you don’t want to see. It’s even worse if you have to do so with good grace.

Finally, arrive with a gift and buy your hosts a nice meal on the last night. It’s good manners and may leave them remembering your visit fondly. And remember: a guest and a fish. Don’t leave them carping about you.