How can I best divorce my abusive husband?

I’ve just seen It Ends With Us at the cinema and it was like watching my own story on screen. We married quickly, but almost as soon as my husband carried me over the threshold he changed. He’s narcissistic and psychologically abusive. I now realise I’m a victim of domestic abuse and I know I need to divorce him but I’m afraid he will put me through financial hell. How can I make divorcing him less of a nightmare?

Laura Rosefield, a divorce consultant and the founder of Rosefield Divorce Consultancy, says this is a situation we work with a lot. When you’re married to or separating from a narcissist, it can feel like they are always five steps ahead of you. They have an answer for everything and are expert at twisting what you say to suit their own agenda, making you doubt what you even meant in the first place.

The court process in the UK is based around conflict, which can play into the hands of narcissists. They tend to revel in it, but there is neither the time nor resources in court to delve into how narcissism has affected a family. When a divorce is initiated, regardless of by whom, or when you do not agree to what they want, they feel particularly threatened. It seems to them like a war between good and evil, so they create one in reality. 

In the trauma that often ensues, questions of finances are usually the last thing on anyone’s mind. But sensible thinking can help you hold on to your savings and leave you in the best position to continue your life without your ex.

Start by making a list of your joint assets. This includes the obvious things such as property, pensions and savings, but also assets that you might have accumulated during your marriage. Then, calculate current outgoings and how much you may need as a single person. Factor in things such as the possibility of paying early redemption penalties on the mortgage should you have to sell the marital home. After the house, a pension is the biggest asset and now pensions can be split, allowing a spouse to take part of the cash and put it into their own plan.

The good news is that as you navigate the tricky world of splitting your finances you can use a simple “five steps ahead” approach to help you take back your power and plan your responses. This approach takes time and consistency. As soon as you react in the way you used to, you give the narcissist a chance to perpetuate their abuse.

First, communicate using the “four fs” (focused, factual, firm and fair). Second, start documenting immediately. Third, think strategically, not reactively. Fourth, choose your battles. And finally, don’t make yourself into a target. Tempting as it is to enter into a “tit for tat” way of behaving, try not to, and you will reap the benefits. 

Your advisers will need to have a high level of understanding of the psychology of your husband, the relationship dynamic between you, the impact on you of the abuse you have suffered and how this can make you doubt your own judgment and fear his responses, and the effect on any children.

We can’t emphasise enough how important it is to have therapeutic support throughout the process, with someone experienced in this work. 

Can I travel for business with a criminal record?

I am a US citizen and frequent visitor to the UK for business reasons. I recently received a criminal record back in the States for driving-related offences. While this doesn’t hamper my ability to enter the UK at present, I understand it may be a problem under the new Electronic Authorisation Scheme to be rolled out early next year. Is there a way to negotiate a special review of my case to ensure I can continue to travel freely for my job?

Katie Newbury, partner in the immigration team at law firm Kingsley Napley, says I’m afraid you might not be able to travel to the UK for 12 months from the date you received the criminal conviction. This is technically the case now although, in practice, you may have been able to enter the UK without any issues if your criminal record was not known to the immigration officer and you were not questioned about it.

The UK has very strict rules preventing travel to the country where someone has received certain criminal convictions. Anyone who has received any kind of criminal conviction in effect faces a 12-month ban from travelling to the UK as a visitor. Where the conviction has led to a non-custodial sentence or out-of-court disposal recorded on their criminal record, the 12-month ban runs from the date of conviction.

While people may have unknowingly travelled to the UK until now with recent convictions, from January 8 2025, all US nationals (together with the nationals of many other countries) will need to have an electronic travel authorisation (ETA) to visit the UK. This is a visa waiver, very similar to the ESTA the US requires for visa-free travel.

To obtain an ETA, you will need to answer certain questions, including about criminal convictions. It is really important to answer these questions honestly as deception can lead to a longer ban from the UK. If you have had a criminal conviction in the past 12 months, you will be automatically refused an ETA and you will need to apply, instead, for a visit visa.

In the UK immigration rules, there is nothing about when the 12-month ban can be waived and it is a mandatory ground to refuse a visit visa. That said, it is always possible to ask the UK government’s Home Office to exercise discretion when considering an application. This would normally require evidence of compelling and compassionate circumstances that would justify a visa being issued outside the normal rules and we have had successful examples of this. However, it would almost certainly require something over and above needing to visit the UK for normal business travel.

Visa application processes, particularly where there are issues like this, can take time, so it is important to plan far in advance. I should add that, depending on the nature of the criminal conviction and the sentence received, some people can be refused entry to the UK for longer. If you anticipate experiencing issues with the new ETA system, it is strongly advised to seek advice as soon as possible.

The opinions in this column are intended for general information purposes only and should not be used as a substitute for professional advice. The Financial Times Ltd and the authors are not responsible for any direct or indirect result arising from any reliance placed on replies, including any loss, and exclude liability to the full extent.

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