how do I keep a relationship special?

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It’s normal to worry about these things, especially if you are in a long-running relationship. Even harder perhaps where the nature of your relationship has evolved so that the power dynamic is not as equal as it once was. Maybe once you had colonised her heart but now the imperial boot is very much on the other foot.

Now look, I will try to answer this as best I can, but before I do, can we just examine what the offer of “best I can” actually amounts to? I really struggle with this relationship advice lark that we see in a lot of the media. Where, in normal life does one come across the phrase “Having problems with your marriage? Have you considered talking to a journalist?”

But anyway, you ask and I answer. That’s the deal here. And for guidance I’ve naturally gone for inspiration to that most special of special relationships.

I must admit I find this difficult because there is nothing more pride-shrivelling than the four-yearly spectacle of the British premier (and accompanying media) desperately pursuing that uttered validation of the closeness of ties with the US.

Some of you, noting the barely concealed smirks of US leaders as they toss out that phrase that means so much and so little, might wonder if this is really the model for life. In reality, there are special ties in intelligence-sharing, defence interests and investment, but none of these is at the forefront of this pitiful panto of, “Do you still fancy me?”. But don’t be fooled. When it comes to affairs of the heart, there is simply nothing hotter than neediness.

So here, let me offer you our very own guide to keeping the relationship special. First, you must seek all public opportunities to demand that declaration. Don’t be satisfied with private declarations. Perhaps you are out with friends or at a dinner party. Wait for a lull in the conversation and suddenly say: “Our relationship is still special isn’t it, darling?” Do not be fobbed off with a grunt, a nod or a one-word reply as your other half serves the drinks or flips the steaks on the barbie. Stand there tapping your foot until, with the full attention of all the others, they reply, “The special relationship is the cornerstone of my world.”

But do not make your partner do all the work. You too must speak up. Delight your friends with statements like: “Do you know how special our relationship is? It’s really special. So special. In fact there is even something special about its specialness.” This is certain to impress and send them home wondering why they too don’t have a bond like yours.

There are other little tricks that can help. Just as British prime ministers like to offer the president busts, paintings or mementos of Churchill to adorn the Oval Office, your partner will be delighted by a sculpture of their mother-in-law that can stand on the dresser, offering inspiration as you lie in bed together.

After an intimate moment, always flatter your partner’s performance. Let them know that tonight was probably the greatest ever. You can’t be sure, but people have told you that this was not only the greatest night for you, but probably the greatest ever in the history of lovemaking.

As you rack up the years, it is important to develop shared interests and let your partner know that you want to be part of their hobbies. Read up on their interests, and then surprise them by taking the initiative. Cuddle up close and say, “Why don’t you and I go bomb Iran this weekend?”

Show that you are on the same wavelength by aligning with their pet theme. I can’t speak for you, but I don’t think there is anything sexier than a woman with “tariff” tattooed on her forearm. Even better, perhaps, is if she goes for a sleeve of the full text of WTO preamble with flames licking up around it. A torn Annex 2 on the dispute settlement mechanisms is also very popular with couples.

There are, of course, those who prefer the treat-them-mean-keep-them-keen model, occasionally calling their partners sociopaths or neo-fascists. Others see the appeal of playing the strongman, someone your other half admires, perhaps. This can work for those of an autocratic bent but otherwise I cannot stress how flawed this thinking is. So remember, desperation is always far more desirable than domination.

Email Robert at [email protected]

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