Why rudeness has no place at work

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Kemi Badenoch is rude. That’s not my description. I have never spoken to the new leader of the UK Conservative party. It is a characterisation attributed to both her detractors and supporters.

On a television show before the party’s leadership election, former Conservative MP Dame Andrea Jenkyns said Badenoch “came across as rude, like a school ma’am disciplining school children” and urged her to have “more respect”.

Then, in a podcast interview, the BBC’s political editor, Chris Mason, told Badenoch he had spoken to a few Tory colleagues, including supportive MPs, who complained of her tendency to fall out with people. She replied: “I don’t think I’m being rude; I just think I’m saying something that I wouldn’t mind hearing back . . . I have to be mindful that I have a higher tolerance for things than others.” The upside, she said, was it meant she was better equipped to cope with “stress”.

The fact that commentators and peers have remarked on her personality could be viewed as sexist, holding women to different standards than their male counterparts. There might be some truth to that — women can be perceived as angry or aggressive when adopting a similar tone to men. One study found women were more likely to be on the receiving end of incivility but also react “more strongly” to rudeness, particularly if it comes from another woman.

This shows rudeness can be in the eye of the beholder. Language and etiquette can be lost in translation. As one of the footballer players explains in Apple TV’s Ted Lasso comedy series: “Jan Maas is not being rude. He’s just being Dutch.” I recently enjoyed an Instagram reel entitled “Watch me get roasted at my colour analysis in Korea”, in which a woman is told different shades of reds and yellows variously make her “wrinkles more obvious” and accentuate her “beard”.

But while it might be subjective, it is fair to say that if even your fans make the same criticism, you probably have to accept it. Badenoch has, offering to soften her approach. This is important not just because manners make the world go round but because rudeness can demotivate colleagues and lead to a dysfunctional workplace. Research published this year in the Applied Psychology Journal found rudeness diminished individuals’ performance and their ability to work in a team, which “may even have life-threatening consequences”.

As one woman told the Civility Saves Lives group, which promotes civil conduct and improves patient care in the NHS: “When I was involved in an acute situation, I expected that someone would be stressed and rude.” When that was not the case, she relaxed and “could focus”. I know which team I’d seek out for treatment.

It is also contagious and particularly egregious when a negative tone is set at the top.

For some, bluntness is a source of pride. They are straight talkers, shooting from the hip, telling it like it is. But when have the words, “I don’t mean to be rude,” been followed by anything other than a whopping insult?

It is a common misconception that such truth-tellers deliver much-needed feedback. In a LinkedIn post, Kim Scott, the former Google executive, wrote that this view was leading to the misinterpretation of her book Radical Candor. “Cartoonists keep illustrating it with some maniac yelling at others. That’s certainly not what I’m trying to say! . . . Radical candour means challenging directly while also showing that you care personally.” She goes on to make the point that there is a “false dichotomy that leaves too many people feeling they have to choose between being a jerk and being an incompetent”.

Does being rude and brushing off incivility from others make you better equipped to deal with high stress, as Badenoch suggested, signifying the trait equipped her for leadership?

Niels Van Quaquebeke, professor of leadership and organisational behaviour at Kühne Logistics University, who has studied rudeness, says that people “low in agreeableness might think they can weather stress better, but research suggests the opposite”. Not only do they create more stress, they are also potentially less able to self-regulate their emotions and “experience more stress”.

Whatever the truth of Badenoch’s rudeness, it did not deter colleagues from voting her in as leader. Whether she will stay is another matter.

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