what’s it like not being on Ozempic?

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Well firstly, how very dare you assume that I am not on some weight-loss jab. How do you know that this is not, in fact, me after some fairly drastic medical intervention? The fact that you are right does not make it any less rude.

The main problem with not being on one of these super-drugs is that I have been cruelly denied the opportunity to write one of those first person “what happened to me on Ozempic” articles that are very well read and do so much to cheer people up. The articles meet a number of needs. First, the writer gets paid that week. This is important. Man cannot live by bread alone, well unless you are on Ozempic, or Wegovy or Mounjaro, that is. Except, apparently, you actually live on protein so, in fact, you dream of living on bread alone and go to sleep at night counting bagels jumping over a tub of cream cheese.

The second appeal of the articles is that those who want to lose weight and can afford the jabs can find people who will swear by the new chemical gods of leanness. And then third, those of you who prefer not to use them (perhaps because you believe weight loss must involve sacrifice) can delight in articles explaining how the user felt violently sick, developed a turkey neck and then put all the weight back on the moment they stopped medicating. You see there really is something for everyone. But readers need to choose wisely and in accordance with their prejudices when selecting one of these articles. You don’t want to read a piece that evangelises the new drug when actually you are secretly looking for reasons to eat that pain au chocolat.

There are, obviously, people with serious health issues, diabetics and so on, who need medical help but, let’s face it, these articles are not really aimed at them. These are lifestyle pieces aimed at the “I have to lose two kilos or it’s Spanx for me” crowd.

Anyway, I have not yet taken this step, though I don’t rule it out for a future date if I am out of ideas or the readers’ questions run dry. I did lose a lot of weight during the pandemic but that was because I saw the possibility of dying. Once we got the miracle vaccine drug, it was back to the Hobnobs. Yes, it turns out Robert Kennedy Jr was right after all. If it wasn’t for the Covid-19 vaccine, I’d still be much healthier.

So I was delighted by this question, in spite of what I took to be its rather judgmental subtext, since it gives me the opportunity to join the throng of first-person pieces by writing my own diary of someone not on the jab. Here we go…

Day one: I walk past the chemist selling weight-loss jabs and the queue of already skinny women standing outside and make my way into the pâtisserie next door. It is a sorry sight, these are desperate people, a trail of human misery struggling to look good in last year’s bikini. Ozempic, Wegovy and Mounjaro, which sounds like a firm of solicitors specialising in tax shelters for money launderers, work by suppressing our appetite and take much of the joy out of eating. But by not taking them I am still delighted by the range at Gail’s and treat myself to an almond croissant.

Day three: The family go out for a pub lunch. I opt for the fish and chips even though the batter nearly always leaves me feeling sick afterwards. I leave the pub feeling nauseated and reflect that if I had been on Ozempic I would probably have the same symptoms but would be around £150 poorer each month. What a discovery: fried haddock has the same effect for less than a tenner, and I don’t feel like eating for the rest of the day.

Day six: It’s Thursday night and I’m very busy. Ordinarily I would order a cheeseburger with fries from Gourmet Burger Kitchen. So I do.

Day eight: My jeans seem a little tighter but the good news is that M&S sells a relaxed fit. I spend the afternoon googling exercise machines — exhausting — so I warm down with some restaurant reviews. I think of trying Huel but am put off by the sense that the name reflects the sound you make after drinking it.

Day 10: The big day. I check my weight. Ticking up slightly, but no irritating side effects. Not feeling nauseous. In fact, rather peckish. I should probably take some exercise. Maybe a brisk walk to the chemist. Or Gail’s.

Email Robert at [email protected]

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